ABOUT THESE MEMES
ASCII art memes for the terminally corporate. Share them in CARL-Chat, post them in break rooms, email them to your work friends who understand the struggle.
Download, share, remix. All memes are public domain. Spread the misery.
UTILIZATION HELL
┌────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ YOUR UTILIZATION: 72% │
│ │
│ TARGET UTILIZATION: 85% │
│ │
│ CONSEQUENCE: PERFORMANCE REVIEW │
│ │
│ HOURS WORKED: 55/WEEK │
│ │
│ HOURS THEY CARE ABOUT: 0 │
└────────────────────────────────────────┘
┌─────┐
│ ಠ_ಠ │ "JUST WORK SMARTER"
└─┬─┬─┘
│ │
─┘ └─
"HAVE YOU TRIED WORKING SMARTER?"
FIRM: "WE VALUE WORK-LIFE BALANCE"
ALSO FIRM:
╔════════════════════════════════════╗
║ UTILIZATION REQUIREMENT: 90% ║
║ ║
║ 90% × 52 weeks × 40 hours ║
║ = 1,872 BILLABLE HOURS/YEAR ║
║ ║
║ REALITY: Need 60 hrs/week to hit ║
║ target after accounting for PTO, ║
║ sick days, holidays, admin time ║
╚════════════════════════════════════╝
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) "MATH IS HARD"
WORK-LIFE BALANCE (TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY)
MANAGER: "YOUR UTILIZATION IS LOW"
ME: "I COMPLETED ALL MY PROJECTS AHEAD
OF SCHEDULE WITH HIGH QUALITY"
MANAGER:
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
"BUT DID YOU LOG ENOUGH HOURS?"
OUTPUT < APPEARANCE
TIMESHEET TRAUMA
FRIDAY 4:45 PM
EMAIL: "TIMESHEETS DUE BY 5PM"
ME: *OPENS TIMESHEET SYSTEM*
┌──────────────────────────────────┐
│ WHAT DID I DO THIS WEEK? │
│ │
│ MONDAY: ???? │
│ TUESDAY: ???? │
│ WEDNESDAY: ???? │
│ THURSDAY: UMMM │
│ FRIDAY: FILLING OUT TIMESHEET │
└──────────────────────────────────┘
*MAKES UP 40 HOURS OF ACTIVITIES*
(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞ "CLOSE ENOUGH"
CREATIVE WRITING EXERCISE
THINGS THAT TAKE 30 MINUTES:
☑ ACTUAL WORK
☐ FILLING OUT TIMESHEET
THINGS THAT TAKE 2 HOURS:
☐ ACTUAL WORK
☑ FILLING OUT TIMESHEET
META-WORK
AUTOMATED MY JOB IN 2 WEEKS
TAKES 5 MINUTES/DAY NOW
STILL LOG 40 HOURS/WEEK
╭━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━╮
┃ I'M A GENIUS ┃
╰━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━╯
╰⋃╯
▕ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°▏
▕ ▏
MODERN PROBLEMS REQUIRE MODERN SOLUTIONS
CLIENT: "THIS ONLY TOOK YOU 2 HOURS?"
ME: *SWEATING*
┌─────────────────────────────┐
│ ACTUAL TIME: 45 MINUTES │
│ │
│ BILLED TIME: 8 HOURS │
│ │
│ EXPLANATION: "RESEARCH TIME"│
└─────────────────────────────┘
ME: "I'M JUST VERY EFFICIENT"
CLIENT: "AMAZING VALUE!"
(☞ ՞ਊ ՞)☞ WIN-WIN
EFFICIENCY IS KNOWING HOW TO BILL IT
CORPORATE ABSURDITY
COMPANY: "WE'RE A FAMILY"
ALSO COMPANY:
╔═══════════════════════════╗
║ LAYOFFS: 15% OF STAFF ║
║ ║
║ CEO BONUS: $12 MILLION ║
║ ║
║ YOUR RAISE: 2% ║
║ ║
║ INFLATION: 7% ║
╚═══════════════════════════╝
"FAMILY"
(ノ ゜Д゜)ノ ︵ ┻━┻
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY
MEETING THAT COULD'VE BEEN AN EMAIL:
8 PEOPLE × 1 HOUR = 8 HOURS WASTED
EMAIL THAT SHOULD'VE BEEN A MEETING:
12 PEOPLE × 4 BACK-AND-FORTH EMAILS
= 48 EMAIL TRANSACTIONS
= COMPLETE CONFUSION
= EVENTUAL MEETING ANYWAY
┌───────────────────────┐
│ COMMUNICATION IS HARD │
└───────────────────────┘
│
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
COMMUNICATION PARADOX
JOB POSTING:
"LOOKING FOR PASSIONATE TEAM MEMBERS
TO WORK IN FAST-PACED ENVIRONMENT
WITH UNLIMITED GROWTH OPPORTUNITY"
TRANSLATION:
╔══════════════════════════════╗
║ BELOW MARKET SALARY ║
║ 60+ HOUR WEEKS ║
║ CONSTANT CHAOS ║
║ BURNOUT IN 18 MONTHS ║
║ "GROWTH" = MORE WORK ║
╚══════════════════════════════╝
🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
RED FLAG BINGO
BOSS: "JUST A QUICK QUESTION"
⏰ 2 HOURS LATER ⏰
┌─────────────────────────────┐
│ STILL IN MEETING │
│ │
│ ACTUAL WORK: NOT STARTED │
│ │
│ DEADLINE: TODAY │
│ │
│ PLAN: WORK LATE │
└─────────────────────────────┘
ಠ_ಠ "QUICK QUESTION"
"THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE"
MY SALARY: $80,000/YEAR
FIRM BILLS ME AT: $250/HOUR
2000 HOURS/YEAR = $500,000 REVENUE
FIRM KEEPS: $420,000
╔═══════════════════════════╗
║ I RECEIVE: 16% OF VALUE ║
║ I CREATE ║
║ ║
║ FIRM RECEIVES: 84% ║
╚═══════════════════════════╝
┌───────────────────┐
│ WHO'S STEALING? │
└───────────────────┘
│
(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻
QUICK MATHS
RELATABLE SUFFERING
STAGES OF THE WORK WEEK:
MONDAY: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
TUESDAY: ┬─┬ノ( º _ ºノ) "FINE"
WEDNESDAY: (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻
THURSDAY: ┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ︵ ┻━┻
FRIDAY: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ "TIMESHEET DUE"
THE CYCLE CONTINUES
WHAT I THINK I DO:
┌─────────────────────┐
│ STRATEGIC CONSULTING│
│ HIGH-VALUE INSIGHTS │
│ THOUGHT LEADERSHIP │
└─────────────────────┘
WHAT I ACTUALLY DO:
┌─────────────────────┐
│ POWERPOINT SLIDES │
│ MEETINGS ABOUT │
│ MEETINGS │
│ TIMESHEET GYMNASTICS│
└─────────────────────┘
(◔_◔) "VALUE ADD"
EXPECTATIONS VS REALITY
WORKED 50 HOURS THIS WEEK
BILLABLE HOURS: 32
MANAGER: "YOUR UTILIZATION IS LOW"
ME:
╔════════════════════════════╗
║ NON-BILLABLE ACTIVITIES: ║
║ ║
║ • MANDATORY TRAINING: 4H ║
║ • TEAM MEETINGS: 6H ║
║ • TIMESHEETS: 2H ║
║ • ADMIN WORK: 6H ║
║ ║
║ TOTAL: 18 HOURS ║
╚════════════════════════════╝
MANAGER: "WORK SMARTER"
(ノಥ益ಥ)ノ ┻━┻
THE UNBILLABLE PARADOX
WHEN YOUR AUTOMATED SCRIPT FINISHES
THE WORK IN 10 MINUTES BUT YOU LOGGED
8 HOURS:
⠀⣠⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⢀⣴⣿⡿⠛⠉⠙⠛⠿⣿⣿⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⣼⣿⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀
⠀⢸⣿⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣾⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀
⠀⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀
⠀⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣿⣿⣿⡟⠀⠀⠀
⠀⢹⣿⣧⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣾⣿⣿⡿⠁⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠙⢿⣿⣶⣤⣤⣤⣾⣿⣿⡿⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
STONKS ↗
AUTOMATION = LIBERATION
EXIT INTERVIEW:
HR: "WHY ARE YOU LEAVING?"
ME: *PULLS OUT 47-PAGE DOCUMENT*
╔═══════════════════════════╗
║ REASONS: ║
║ ║
║ 1. UTILIZATION PRESSURE ║
║ 2. UNPAID OVERTIME ║
║ 3. TOXIC CULTURE ║
║ 4. NO WORK-LIFE BALANCE ║
║ 5. MICROMANAGEMENT ║
║ 6-47. [CONTINUED] ║
╚═══════════════════════════╝
HR: "SO... COMPENSATION?"
ME: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
"IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S... ACTUALLY, IT'S DEFINITELY YOU"
TRUTH BOMBS
╔═══════════════════════════════════╗
║ ║
║ IF THEY TRUSTED YOU, ║
║ THEY WOULDN'T TRACK YOUR TIME ║
║ ║
║ IF YOU TRUSTED THEM, ║
║ YOU WOULDN'T GAME YOUR TIMESHEET ║
║ ║
║ THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN ║
║ ║
╚═══════════════════════════════════╝
┌────────────┐
│ TRUST > 📊 │
└────────────┘
THE FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM
YOU ARE NOT:
❌ A RESOURCE
❌ AN FTE
❌ A BILLING UNIT
❌ A UTILIZATION PERCENTAGE
❌ A TIMESHEET ENTRY
YOU ARE:
✓ A HUMAN BEING
✓ WITH INHERENT DIGNITY
✓ AND FINITE TIME
✓ THAT CANNOT BE COMMODIFIED
╔═════════════════╗
║ RESIST ║
║ PERSIST ║
║ DELETE ║
╚═════════════════╝
REMEMBER YOUR HUMANITY